Detaching from Expectations.

A few weeks ago I tweeted about detaching myself from expectations. Here are the tweets below:

Question: Is it entitlement to ask friends, family, community for financial or emotional help/support and expect a response?

I’m curious what ppl think about the *expectation* to receive responses, help, or support.

I know for me, part of my healing journey included detaching from expectations-including expecting support, help, or even connection.

I welcome those things yet expecting ppl to read my work, give me money when I’m in need, respond to my texts or emails– I let that go.

To detach from expectations, loneliness wells up. Adopting an attitude of curiosity and openness is worth it, less disappointment flares.

The past few days there has been an increase of white supremacist acts in the United States. Notice I said increase, let us not be willfully oblivious that these acts happen on a daily basis; they are often not captured by mainstream media.  Note: Subscribe to Black news sources, they can be easily be found by a google web search!

1. I don’t expect Black or Brown community to rally and publicly grieve if I AM THE BLACK PERSON that is physically destroyed by a White supremacist.

2. I don’t expect the bisexual community to publicly shout, hashtag, or protest if my head is bashed by a biphobic White supremacists.

3. I don’t expect the Haitian community to honor my life if my body is found dead in a jail cell after 3 days of wrongful incarceration because of anti-immigrant White supremacists.

4. I don’t expect White colleagues, acquaintances, and community members to understand how much of a daily chore it is to teach my children to not to expect any of those public acknowledgments if they are the victims.

5. I don’t expect Black colleagues, acquaintances nor community members to initiate and give me emotional support when there is a LGBT crisis (ex: Pulse Orlando and daily events), Black community crisis (ex: Ferguson and daily events), and White supremacists crisis (ex: Charlottesville and daily events).

All the feels of distress, pissed off, rage, anxiety, and depression flare through me when these daily events and crisis take place.  

Dropping those social expectations is an act of radical self care. Flares of distress don’t linger. My suffering is less.  Detaching from social expectations is a reflection that I don’t have the privilege to sit around and expect to receive those social responses.

© 2017 Fey

Image retrieved from Can a Plant Survive if it Was Pulled Out of the Soil?

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4 Comments

  1. Good piece.  There is a privilege that comes with waiting and expecting social reactions/responses to crisis.  The privilege is having people that are capable of responding in a meaningful manner as you define it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having expectations, but it is important to know how to handle things when they are not met and to keep working on creating the environment/community/situation that will most closely meet your expectations.

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    1. “The privilege is having people that are capable of responding in a meaningful manner as you define it. … it is important to know how to handle things when they are not met and to keep working on creating the environment/community/situation that will most closely meet your expectations.” Thank you for these words, they are affirming. The process of detaching from expectations was arduous and worth it. Expectations are not harmful in themselves -the key is not to be wedded to expectations to the point of being dependent – centered on what one has no control.

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  2. I’m sorry you have to distance yourself so much. But I’m also glad that youre able to. And i really hope that one day you’ll be able to expect support from some kind of community when you need it

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